9 Pillars of Active Listening
Understand what people are really saying
In this ever-connected world given all the listening that you do, would you think you are good at it? In fact, most of us are not. Have you ever attended a meeting listening to the key speakers and then suddenly realized they have already progressed through a handful of slides and you don’t know what you’ve missed? How many times do you regret you could have pressed that recording button? How many times did you wish you could have a time travel device just to get that trivial detail again?
You may be an avid listener and are on your path to becoming a psychotherapist in that case I wish you the best. But if you are not and are trying to be an active listener and getting a little success, what can you do about it?
Active listening is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding. It means giving a speaker your full attention and trying to understand the complete message.
Let’s understand the key elements that drive active listening and how you can be better at it — step by step.
I. Conscious Body Language
Focus.
Make sure you face the speaker, have positive eye contact (avoid staring), stay conscious of your posture, gestures, and facial expressions.
II. Don’t Interrupt
Listen to understand, not to reply.
Listen to the entire message before interjecting with your own comments. The first interruption can be ignored, the second is a yellow card, and the third is a red flag and counts as aggression.
III. Paraphrase
Paraphrasing involves a restatement of the information given by the speaker in your own words.
IV. Questions and Feedback
Ask related and relevant questions and seek clarification wherever needed. Share your feedback and your thoughts on the subject.
V. Keep distractions at bay
Don’t look at your watch, phone, other people, or activities in or beyond the room, and refrain from side conversations.
VI. Reflect and Empathize
Show that you understand their experience, not just their words. But it doesn’t mean you create false scenarios. Reflect on what has been said and share genuine supportive experiences. Be curious instead of being judgmental.
VII. Don’t make it all about you
Practice Support response and avoid Shift response
For example:
Shift Response
John: I’m can’t sleep properly these days.
Alex: Me too. I’m totally wrecked.
Support Response
John: I’m can’t sleep properly these days.
Alex: Why? What do you think it could be?
VIII. Don’t get in a fixer mode
Learn to know the difference between healing and fixing. By all means help someone heal by providing a safe space, by listening mindfully by empathizing and guidance, but don’t try to fix every situation.
IX. Daydreaming
Normally, our minds work more quickly than a speaker can speak. According to a study done, the average attention span of humans decreased from 12 seconds to eight seconds.
Make sure you use that spare capacity in active listening strategies to stay focused in lectures and tutorials to capture the whole communication and avoid gaps in your learning.
Summary
It takes a lot of concentration and determination to be an active listener. Old habits are hard but not impossible to break. The good news is that active listening is an adaptive skill and you need to practice those behaviors again and again — yes, every day you have abundant opportunities to practice.
So let’s take a new step today to become a better communicator, improve your workplace productivity, and develop better relationships.
Hope you find it useful! Please share your feedback and experiences.
